save me from my thoughts..
rawr
LAYOUT THEME: take me away.
LAYOUT CREATED WITH: photoshop cs2. notepad.
LAYOUT CREATED BY: leslie pham.
friends
On Sunday, February 28, 2010 at 6:11 PM
Random. Crazy. Goofy. Childish. Mature. Humorous. Beautiful. Imperfectly perfect.
I love them because they're not afraid to be who they are. None of us are worried about being judged. We don't bother to watch what we say. We don't bother to hide what we're really feeling inside. Jokes are always being told, being made.
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crave you
On Wednesday, February 24, 2010 at 8:53 PM
"Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I stare at you.
Why can't I keep you safe as my own,
one moment I have you the next you are gone.
Rehearsed steps on an empty stage
that boys got my heart in a silver cage.
Why can't you want me like the other boys do?
They stare at me while I crave you."
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update
On Thursday, February 18, 2010 at 6:23 PM
These past week has been so busy, but I loved every second of it.
I started school last Monday. Everything was a bit hectic with class schedules and trying to get the classes I needed for the semester. But in the end, it's starting to look like everything's in its rightful place. Just one more class I need to check out tomorrow. RAWR!
Anyways.
Last Thursday was Kooza with the Sister. One word, AMAZING. The show was simply breath-taking in every way possible. The characters, costumes, acts.. they were all so beautiful. I can't wait to see the other Cirque du Soleil shows in Vegas.
After the show, we met up with Vanna at Cajun Corner. Same concept as Boiling Crab, but less of a hassle and wait. A smaller menu too. I still prefer Boiling Crab, but I have my reasons for not wanting to step foot in the place again.
I spent Saturday with a few of my favorite people. Started off the day by waking up early to attempt making a Tiramisu for the first time. Then headed out to get breakfast with a few of my favorite boys. IHOP. Had some interesting conversations and jokes. lol.
Spent some time at home then headed over to my Granny's house to celebrate Chinese New Year with the family. BBQ'd a bit, talked, gambled. Oh my, my uncle and his damn luck.. haha, my cousins lost a lot of money that night (even though my uncle was nice enough to give us back part of our losses in the end). Great conversations and laughs. It was what I needed, what I had missed. I was starting to forget what those old days felt like. I can always count on friends and family to make me smile.
Sunday, Chinese New Year (and Valentine's day), since I had already celebrated with family the night before. Me and my brothers weren't obligated to spend time with the family. Instead, we met up some of our friends for Dim Sum and went to the movies afterwards. We ended up watching Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief. It was a decent movie, but not exactly my cup of tea.
Monday, was work. Same ol' stuff. Tuesday, didn't do much besides go to Gyu-Kaku with the Sister.
Wednesday was Vanna's birthday dinner. 21st birthdays are always fun. Poor girl got pretty messed up. Soju is not her friend. haha. But I'm glad she enjoyed herself :]
I love you Vanna
These past couple of weeks have been crazy, and they're only about to get a bit more insane.
If I get all the classes I want, I'll be taking 14 units. 5 classes. Monday thru Friday. (and maybe a 6th, a Saturday class, which would bring me up to 17 units).
History 1. Psychology 2. Sociology 3. English 216. Service Learning. (maybe, Addiction Studies).
With classes, a job , volunteering, and Sociology club meetings (plus events), and plans I have with friends..
I'm going to have my hands full these next couple months.. Pretty much til Summer, maybe Fall...
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When it comes to my love life, I'm not too sure what I want or what I really expect from relationships anymore.
My friend posted a question on his Facebook status a few days ago: "is your heart in the right place?"
It was a question I've been asking myself a lot more lately. Especially when I look at my past, and the situations I'm put in at the moment.. I can't honestly say that my heart is where it should be. I'm not necessarily proud of the things I do, or the person I've become lately. When it comes to love and relationships, I'm not the person I should be, the person I once was (before I got fucked over)..
I had a talk with one of my friends a few months ago about my relationships with certain guy friends. (I'm not going to the post the details of it here, just because its not something that needs to be put on blast.) Some of them taken and some not.
I'll say this much, I've always been that "other" girl for them.. The "meantime" girl.. The one they come to for advice, for comfort, for laughs. The one they'll call or text when they're bored. Or just to say "good morning" or "good night" to randomly. The one they seek out when they're having issues in their personal or professional lives.
But, for the ones who are taken, they don't go to their significant others. They come to me. I'm the "other" girl in the relationship, if you would like to say. It's not sexual. It's, mostly, emotional with a bit of innocent flirting here and there (although, if I was the girlfriend, I'd be pretty pissed, I'll get back to that some other time)..
But, I realized, as much as those guys are in the wrong. I am too because I let it continue.
I'm the girlfriend that's not a girlfriend. The one that doesn't give a shit if you don't call everyday. The one that will randomly come to talk to you when I'm bored or lonely.
But at the same time, I don't always want to be that girl.. I was her in the past, but its been years since then. And I'm definitely not her when I have my own boyfriend.. But, why have I become that person again lately?
The answer is simple, I think its actually two different things..
First, I think I do it and I let it continue because, as much as I love my friends, I feel as though if I can't have them, I don't want other girls to have them either. And I honestly think, they continue because something is lacking in their own relationship that they come and seek it out in me. If that's the case, their relationship was already doomed before I was even there. Actually, in most cases, I was already a part of their lives before the significant other was even there.
and Secondly, I'm selfish. As much as I want a relationship, I don't. I'm scared of commitment. I'm scared of getting hurt again. I've been through so much these past couple of years that I'm afraid to start over again.
The silly part of it all is that I'm still a hopeless romantic at heart. I still believe that one day I'll find the perfect imperfect guy for me. But for now, I'll settle for having a relationship that's not really a relationship.. The guy who loves and cares for me and vice versa, but no responsibility and no attachment involved.
But answer me this, why do they come to me rather than their own girlfriends or whatnot? Some of them honestly think it's ok, and that they're not doing anything wrong. But I've been in the girlfriend's shoes before, somewhat.. (this is where it gets interesting)..
Me and Andy had our issues, that's for sure. No one knew, I didn't talk about it much. I was happy for the most part. But one thing sure bugged me in the beginning of our relationship, Andy had girl friends. Friends who would flirt with him, and disrespect me in that process. They didn't think anything was wrong with it; it was innocent enough (I saw and read the texts, he never hid anything from me). He loved me. He never did anything with them. I knew that, but it still irritated the fuck out of me. He knew, we talked about it. So it stopped. Although, it did take the girls a while to take a hint and fuck off completely.
Anyways, I guess my point here is.. I was mad about it. I hated those girls. And yet, here I am. In a sense, I'm that same type of girl. Except, the girlfriend's don't know about me. And if came down to it, I'd gladly step away. (There's always a few exceptions, friends I've grown up with and known all my life. They're girlfriends can fuck off if they expect me to disappear.)
What's my point in all of this.. My heart isn't where it should be. It's definitely not in the right place.
I wish I could find that guy who would put it back in the right place, the guy who can make me FEEL something again. I miss that feeling. I miss being able to love someone unconditionally.
Lately, I've been questioning why I do the things I do, why certain things happen to me, and why I'm not doing anything to change it. So I want to say..
Give me something to believe it.
Give me a reason to be the person I used to be.
Give me a reason to change.
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busy busy busy
On Tuesday, February 2, 2010 at 9:15 PM
Slow it down, take a breath, listen to my voice.
I miss you.
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about me
let's start with the basics. the name's leslie. i was born on october 3rd, dont forget. i'm half chinese and half vietnamese. and no, i can't speak chinese to save my life. i'm a sister, friend, student, and kodak photographer. i'm the baby of the family and yes, i love it. i live with 3 older brothers and my parents in the valley. trying pull my life together and get as far from here as i can. now let's move on.
-------------------------------------------
think twice before you judge me. first impressions arent always accurate.
family, friends, and school are my priorities. never fake, always true. true to myself, true to my friends, my family, my faith. .
i've been hurt before, i've fallen time and time again. eventually, i move on and grow stronger with every problem i endure.
i can be the most random and happy person you'll ever meet or the biggest bitch you've ever talked to, that all depends on you. i won't deal with any bullshiet, give me the respect i deserve and i'll do the same for you.
my trust is hard to gain, easy to lose. i have no tolerance for liars or cheaters.
music is my therapy and writing will always be my escape. singing keeps me calm.
fall and winter are my favorites. give me a rainy day cuddled up on the couch and i'll be all smiles.
coffee. tiger lilies. white roses. toki doki. cars. pool tables. bowling. milk chocolate w/ toffee.
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